FIC: Every Love and Each Regret 2.4
Jul. 29th, 2004 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leashy_bebesEvery Love and Each Regret
Part 2, Chapter 4
Lyrics from Elvis Costello's Either Side of the Same Town
it's hard to act like strangers when we used to be so strong
everything is changing and most of it is wrong
The floo call comes in just as Remus is finally sitting down with the beer he's been anticipating all day. Unusually, it's Lily, and even more unusually, she steps through.
"Hello, you," she says, kissing his cheek.
"How's everyone?"
"Oh, the same," she sighs, following him into the kitchen to help him make a pot of tea. "I came to tell you about the meeting tonight."
"Mmm, I know," he nods, heating the water and gathering cups, milk and sugar. He's aware that Lily is watching him closely. "Where's Harry?"
"James has got the day off work. Listen, I need to talk to you about Sirius."
"What about him?" Remus asks, turning his back on Lily to root through a drawer for no discernable reason. How can just hearing the name make him angry?
"He's in a mess."
"Not my problem," Remus bites out.
"You must care a little bit - "
"Why the hell should I?" Remus demands, grabbing the teapot from Lily's hands and filling it with hot water so violently that it slops over onto his hand and he swears under his breath.
"Remus - "
"I don't care, Lily. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it."
"Maybe you don't need him anymore, but the Order still does."
Remus feels a surge of resentment at that, and also at himself for being so predictable.
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"Remus - "
Remus makes an effort to moderate his tone. "I meant it literally. What do you want me to do? I can't help sounding angry, I'm sorry."
"Look, I know he was an idiot, but he really regrets it. You need to pull yourselves together."
"I am together," Remus snaps. "I work, I pay my bills, I take care of my Order business. I am together," he repeats more quietly.
"Well he isn't," Lily says, sipping her tea. "And any time you wanted to stop shooting the messenger would be great. I'm only here because no one else had the guts."
"So what do I do?" Remus asks, giving Lily an apologetic glance and leaning against the counter.
"Just talk to him. Get him to stop drinking so bloody much. Tell him you don't hate him."
"Maybe I do," Remus says bluntly.
"So lie," Lily suggests, just as bluntly. "It's not fair and it's not right, but you have to fix this."
"Even though - " Remus starts.
"Even though it's his mess, yes," Lily says, cutting through him.
"Huh," Remus snorts. "We did leave school, didn't we?"
"I wonder, sometimes," Lily says with a smile. Remus gives her an awkward, one-armed hug and she brushes off his apologies.
***
Remus is shocked in spite of himself at just how bad Sirius looks. He doesn't appear to have washed, shaved or slept in the last seventy two hours at least, and he's clearly, embarrassingly drunk. Remus hadn't known - or cared, he reminds himself viciously - how bad it was. He's been deliberately avoiding people and places connected with Sirius, and has managed to duck out on the last two large-scale Order meetings, claiming illness, or work commitments.
Throughout the meeting, Sirius sits slumped in his chair, hissing belligerent, overloud comments to James who looks uncomfortable and tries to shush him occasionally. Remus is very careful not to make eye contact with Sirius, not to even look at him for too long. When he has to give a brief report, he lets his eyes unfocus and talks to the middle distance, not wanting to take the chance of meeting that angry, sad, turbulent gaze.
When the meeting breaks up, people are quicker to leave than usual and James gives Remus a significant look as he slips off through the door. Without moving from his seat at the other end of the table, Remus steels himself and looks at Sirius directly.
"Hi."
Sirius swallows audibly and says, "Hello." He looks dangerously close to tears and Remus ruthlessly quashes the spark of compassion that threatens to flare up inside him.
"Look, you need to sort yourself out," Remus says, trying not to be unnerved by the way Sirius' eyes are roving over his face, wide and desperate and lost. Sirius blinks and few times and shakes his head.
"I'm doing okay," he says.
Remus can't help snapping, "Oh, yes, a lot of wars have been won with rampant alcoholism, Sirius, very sensible."
"Don't," Sirius winces. "I can't - Just go, please?"
"Can't. I told them I'd speak to you."
"Who's 'them'?"
"Everyone with a vested interest in you not being completely unmanageable?" Remus suggests.
"Why are you so - God, Remus, I'm sorry."
"I know you are," Remus says gently after a pause, and realises that it's true. Things between them had been bad for a while, but Sirius would change the past and have that tense awkwardness back in a flash if he could. "You understand why that isn't enough, don't you?"
Some perverse part of Sirius wants to force Remus to say it - you've been sorry for hurting me before and it didn't stop you this time - but he shrinks away instead, nodding, not sure he can stand to hear the words.
"Sirius," Remus says warningly. "You can't just drink your way out of this."
"I'm not trying to!" Sirius explodes. Remus looks at him coolly. "I'm not trying to," Sirius repeats in more normal tones. "I just - I miss you so much - "
"You need to get over this, Padfoot," Remus says gently. "You really do."
"I don't think I can."
"Well - find a way," Remus says, exasperated. "A way that doesn't involve turning up to meetings stinking of cheap firewhiskey."
"Oh."
"Yes, oh," Remus says, folding his arms across his chest.
"I don't - " Sirius runs his hands over his face and pushes his fingers into his hair. The motion is so familiar that Remus' throat aches. "It's not just you - everything is - my head's such a mess, Moony. I don't know what to - "
"Afterwards," Remus says on a desperate impulse to make Sirius shut up and stop sounding so hopelessly lonely.
"What?" Sirius asks sharply, raising his head to stare at Remus.
"After the war, after we win the war, we will talk about this, and you can - you can explain or whatever it is that you think you need to do, but this has to stop."
"Afterwards?" Sirius says with a bleak laugh.
"Yes, afterwards," Remus says.
"For all I know you're - " Sirius snaps, standing abruptly and slamming his fist into the tabletop. He turns suddenly and apparates on the spot, leaving Remus baffled for a long moment before realisation strikes him like a bucket of icy water.
Sirius thinks I'm the spy.
two weeks later...
Part 2, Chapter 4
Lyrics from Elvis Costello's Either Side of the Same Town
it's hard to act like strangers when we used to be so strong
everything is changing and most of it is wrong
The floo call comes in just as Remus is finally sitting down with the beer he's been anticipating all day. Unusually, it's Lily, and even more unusually, she steps through.
"Hello, you," she says, kissing his cheek.
"How's everyone?"
"Oh, the same," she sighs, following him into the kitchen to help him make a pot of tea. "I came to tell you about the meeting tonight."
"Mmm, I know," he nods, heating the water and gathering cups, milk and sugar. He's aware that Lily is watching him closely. "Where's Harry?"
"James has got the day off work. Listen, I need to talk to you about Sirius."
"What about him?" Remus asks, turning his back on Lily to root through a drawer for no discernable reason. How can just hearing the name make him angry?
"He's in a mess."
"Not my problem," Remus bites out.
"You must care a little bit - "
"Why the hell should I?" Remus demands, grabbing the teapot from Lily's hands and filling it with hot water so violently that it slops over onto his hand and he swears under his breath.
"Remus - "
"I don't care, Lily. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it."
"Maybe you don't need him anymore, but the Order still does."
Remus feels a surge of resentment at that, and also at himself for being so predictable.
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"Remus - "
Remus makes an effort to moderate his tone. "I meant it literally. What do you want me to do? I can't help sounding angry, I'm sorry."
"Look, I know he was an idiot, but he really regrets it. You need to pull yourselves together."
"I am together," Remus snaps. "I work, I pay my bills, I take care of my Order business. I am together," he repeats more quietly.
"Well he isn't," Lily says, sipping her tea. "And any time you wanted to stop shooting the messenger would be great. I'm only here because no one else had the guts."
"So what do I do?" Remus asks, giving Lily an apologetic glance and leaning against the counter.
"Just talk to him. Get him to stop drinking so bloody much. Tell him you don't hate him."
"Maybe I do," Remus says bluntly.
"So lie," Lily suggests, just as bluntly. "It's not fair and it's not right, but you have to fix this."
"Even though - " Remus starts.
"Even though it's his mess, yes," Lily says, cutting through him.
"Huh," Remus snorts. "We did leave school, didn't we?"
"I wonder, sometimes," Lily says with a smile. Remus gives her an awkward, one-armed hug and she brushes off his apologies.
***
Remus is shocked in spite of himself at just how bad Sirius looks. He doesn't appear to have washed, shaved or slept in the last seventy two hours at least, and he's clearly, embarrassingly drunk. Remus hadn't known - or cared, he reminds himself viciously - how bad it was. He's been deliberately avoiding people and places connected with Sirius, and has managed to duck out on the last two large-scale Order meetings, claiming illness, or work commitments.
Throughout the meeting, Sirius sits slumped in his chair, hissing belligerent, overloud comments to James who looks uncomfortable and tries to shush him occasionally. Remus is very careful not to make eye contact with Sirius, not to even look at him for too long. When he has to give a brief report, he lets his eyes unfocus and talks to the middle distance, not wanting to take the chance of meeting that angry, sad, turbulent gaze.
When the meeting breaks up, people are quicker to leave than usual and James gives Remus a significant look as he slips off through the door. Without moving from his seat at the other end of the table, Remus steels himself and looks at Sirius directly.
"Hi."
Sirius swallows audibly and says, "Hello." He looks dangerously close to tears and Remus ruthlessly quashes the spark of compassion that threatens to flare up inside him.
"Look, you need to sort yourself out," Remus says, trying not to be unnerved by the way Sirius' eyes are roving over his face, wide and desperate and lost. Sirius blinks and few times and shakes his head.
"I'm doing okay," he says.
Remus can't help snapping, "Oh, yes, a lot of wars have been won with rampant alcoholism, Sirius, very sensible."
"Don't," Sirius winces. "I can't - Just go, please?"
"Can't. I told them I'd speak to you."
"Who's 'them'?"
"Everyone with a vested interest in you not being completely unmanageable?" Remus suggests.
"Why are you so - God, Remus, I'm sorry."
"I know you are," Remus says gently after a pause, and realises that it's true. Things between them had been bad for a while, but Sirius would change the past and have that tense awkwardness back in a flash if he could. "You understand why that isn't enough, don't you?"
Some perverse part of Sirius wants to force Remus to say it - you've been sorry for hurting me before and it didn't stop you this time - but he shrinks away instead, nodding, not sure he can stand to hear the words.
"Sirius," Remus says warningly. "You can't just drink your way out of this."
"I'm not trying to!" Sirius explodes. Remus looks at him coolly. "I'm not trying to," Sirius repeats in more normal tones. "I just - I miss you so much - "
"You need to get over this, Padfoot," Remus says gently. "You really do."
"I don't think I can."
"Well - find a way," Remus says, exasperated. "A way that doesn't involve turning up to meetings stinking of cheap firewhiskey."
"Oh."
"Yes, oh," Remus says, folding his arms across his chest.
"I don't - " Sirius runs his hands over his face and pushes his fingers into his hair. The motion is so familiar that Remus' throat aches. "It's not just you - everything is - my head's such a mess, Moony. I don't know what to - "
"Afterwards," Remus says on a desperate impulse to make Sirius shut up and stop sounding so hopelessly lonely.
"What?" Sirius asks sharply, raising his head to stare at Remus.
"After the war, after we win the war, we will talk about this, and you can - you can explain or whatever it is that you think you need to do, but this has to stop."
"Afterwards?" Sirius says with a bleak laugh.
"Yes, afterwards," Remus says.
"For all I know you're - " Sirius snaps, standing abruptly and slamming his fist into the tabletop. He turns suddenly and apparates on the spot, leaving Remus baffled for a long moment before realisation strikes him like a bucket of icy water.
Sirius thinks I'm the spy.
two weeks later...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 09:28 pm (UTC)And poor, darling, Sirius. I really felt for him here. And, again, you deal with the, both sympathetically and fairly and... oh, I have so much love for both. But Sirius? I just want to take him home and make it all better!
This was great and really summed up how I imagine poor Remus feeling: Remus hadn't known - or cared, he reminds himself viciously - how bad it was. He's been deliberately avoiding people and places connected with Sirius, and has managed to duck out on the last two large-scale Order meetings, claiming illness, or work commitments.
He may not have been as sympathetic as I would have liked, but it was very realistic and I totally understood.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-31 12:20 pm (UTC)With a series like this, I have all the gaps filled in in my head so all the avoidance ties into the suspicion, even though Sirius knows that's wrong. I should probably, y'know, write that stuff.
Also, you're involved in academicy typed things, aren't you?
CHECK THIS OUT
no subject
Date: 2008-07-31 01:22 pm (UTC)Yeah, I have two degrees and I used to teach English and I still tutor/help kids to college apps.
You teach, right? Did it ever occur to you that the teaches at Hogwarts, whilst at least having smallish class sizes, would have a hell of a lot of sections to teach? Not to mention completely different plans for each year. Uhg!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-31 02:57 pm (UTC)after three more soul destroying years of debt.That whole website is excellent. Our office is plastered with them.