FIC: Every Love and Each Regret 3.4
Aug. 1st, 2004 09:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leashy_bebesEvery Love and Each Regret
Part 3, Chapter 4
Lyrics from Lucinda Williams' Those Three Days
you sleep like a baby breathing comfortably between truth and pain
but the truth is nothing's been the same since those three days
Sirius pads quietly up the stairs and tiptoes along the darkened corridor to Harry's nursery. Nudging open the door, he focuses his eyes on the cot. He has to take a couple of steps into the room before his mind believes what his eyes are insisting. The cot is empty. Sirius' heart immediately leaps into his throat, pounding wildly, and he's a good deal less discreet as he hurries down the hall to the second bedroom.
He sags in relief when he sees Remus on one side of the bed, Harry's sleeping form tucked into the crook of his arm. Sirius leans against the doorframe, watching those two - the only two, the only people in his life that matter. He supposes that this is something like parenthood, like being an adult. Mostly, it seems to be about being afraid. It seems to be about coming home and finding an empty room and dying a little right there, because some kinds of loss are too horrible to block from your mind.
The realisation that Remus' eyes are open comes upon Sirius quite suddenly.
"Moony?" he whispers.
Remus acknowledges him with a tilt of his head, carefully working his arm out from underneath Harry's body. As quietly as possible, Remus stands, walks around the bed, and nudges Sirius back out of the door, pushing it almost closed behind them.
"He had a nightmare," Remus says, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.
Sirius raises his eyebrows. Harry's a wildly imaginative little bugger, and it's usually Remus who insists the boy should learn that dreams have no real power, and that the best way to learn this was to return to his own bed.
"Padfoot, it was horrible," Remus adds suddenly, his voice cracking. "I woke up and he was screaming."
"Did he say what it was?" Sirius asks, trying to bundle up the instinctive hurt at the idea of Harry screaming in fright and tuck it away somewhere safe inside.
Remus bites his lip and looks away briefly before pulling Sirius to him and clinging tightly. Sirius is taken a little by surprise at Remus' apparent neediness, and feels the rumble of Remus' words against his shoulder.
"'The bad man', 'Mummy', and 'green' was about all I got out of him."
"Fuck," Sirius whispers, glancing over Remus' shoulder at the door, his arms coming up instinctively and resting loosely around Remus' waist.
"Pretty much," Remus agrees weakly, his voice unsteady. "Padfoot - "
"He can't remember!" Sirius snaps suddenly, ignoring Remus' 'shh' of protest. "Dumbledore said he wouldn't remember."
"I suppose even Dumbledore doesn't know everything," Remus sighs.
"God. God. Mummy and the bad man?"
"Right," Remus affirms, swallowing with effort.
“Let’s go downstairs and have a drink, yeah?” Sirius suggests. Remus nods and casts a few spells on his bed so that Harry can’t roll out before following Sirius down the stairs.
In the kitchen, Sirius pours a couple of Firewhiskeys and pushes one over to Remus who drinks it down quickly.
“This is going to sound hugely stupid,” Remus says, “But raising a kid is hard.”
“I know, right!” Sirius jokes. “Who’d have thought it.”
Remus grins but looks a little shaky, and Sirius sits down at the table next to Remus and nudges his arm.
“It’ll be alright you know?”
“I know,” Remus nods. “He probably won’t even remember in the morning.”
“You okay?” Sirius asks and Remus nods, turning to look at him strangely.
“Yeah. Sirius, this is – ”
"Remus - " Sirius is sure he wasn't this nervous the first time this happened, and it seems to take years to close the gap between them, but when he manages it everything is so familiar - the feel and the shape and the taste - that it overwhelms him and for a moment it seems that everything will be fine, because Remus' lips are moving tentatively against his own and it's been so long, too long -
"I can't."
Sirius feels Remus' lips shaping the words against his own, but he's desperate not to believe them, not to have heard them or felt them.
"Please," he breathes, and he knows he must sound pathetic but can't bring himself to care. Remus edges away a little.
"I can't," he says again, but this time it sounds as though the words have been wrenched from him, as though maybe he does want to, and it really is about can't, not won't.
Sirius makes himself sit back and take a couple of breaths before he says anything.
"Can - Can I ask why?"
Remus puffs his cheeks out and lets out his breath in a long steady stream, a sure sign that he's trying to find words vague enough to be safe.
"I have too much to loose now," Remus says, betraying himself with a tiny glance towards the baby monitor.
Sirius swings between understanding and resentment for a few moments before he says, "You know that I would never - He adores you, Remus."
"We - we can do this, together," Remus says, and Sirius feels a wild flutter of hope before he goes on, "We can bring Harry up, and we can give him a good life but - "
"Don't."
"Shh," Remus says gently. "We owe him complete stability and we can't give him that if we're involved."
"Yes we can," Sirius protests.
"No we can't," Remus says, looking almost amused and reaching over to jostle Sirius' arm. "Sirius, we argued too much and we - "
"I fucked up," Sirius breaks in. "I know I did, Remus, but it was once, and I'm sorry, and I'll never - "
"That's not what I mean."
"Then explain," Sirius says, exasperated. "Please."
"I don't think I can. I just... It wasn’t just that, was it? I shouldn’t have been so cruel to you, you were just looking for a way out of something that was dying on its arse anyway.”
“Only ‘cause of the war,” Sirius says stubbornly.
Remus snorts and shakes his head affectionately, reaching out to pat Sirius’ hand.
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“Right, so,” Sirius says hopefully, beyond caring about sounding desperate, “In the interests of maybe not, we could – stop looking at me like I’ve turned into a girl – we could try again.”
“I think – ” Remus bites his lip and looks away and even though Sirius knows Remus will manage to find words that don’t hurt too much, the answer will be no. “I think you only get something like that once. Times change, Padfoot and so’ve we.”
Sirius wants to argue, even though it sounds like Remus’ mind is well and truly made up, but they start to hear Harry sniffling over the monitor and Remus seizes the chance to leave. He does run his fingers across the back of Sirius’ neck as he goes and Sirius sits for a few moments, staring into the distance.
six weeks later...
Part 3, Chapter 4
Lyrics from Lucinda Williams' Those Three Days
you sleep like a baby breathing comfortably between truth and pain
but the truth is nothing's been the same since those three days
Sirius pads quietly up the stairs and tiptoes along the darkened corridor to Harry's nursery. Nudging open the door, he focuses his eyes on the cot. He has to take a couple of steps into the room before his mind believes what his eyes are insisting. The cot is empty. Sirius' heart immediately leaps into his throat, pounding wildly, and he's a good deal less discreet as he hurries down the hall to the second bedroom.
He sags in relief when he sees Remus on one side of the bed, Harry's sleeping form tucked into the crook of his arm. Sirius leans against the doorframe, watching those two - the only two, the only people in his life that matter. He supposes that this is something like parenthood, like being an adult. Mostly, it seems to be about being afraid. It seems to be about coming home and finding an empty room and dying a little right there, because some kinds of loss are too horrible to block from your mind.
The realisation that Remus' eyes are open comes upon Sirius quite suddenly.
"Moony?" he whispers.
Remus acknowledges him with a tilt of his head, carefully working his arm out from underneath Harry's body. As quietly as possible, Remus stands, walks around the bed, and nudges Sirius back out of the door, pushing it almost closed behind them.
"He had a nightmare," Remus says, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.
Sirius raises his eyebrows. Harry's a wildly imaginative little bugger, and it's usually Remus who insists the boy should learn that dreams have no real power, and that the best way to learn this was to return to his own bed.
"Padfoot, it was horrible," Remus adds suddenly, his voice cracking. "I woke up and he was screaming."
"Did he say what it was?" Sirius asks, trying to bundle up the instinctive hurt at the idea of Harry screaming in fright and tuck it away somewhere safe inside.
Remus bites his lip and looks away briefly before pulling Sirius to him and clinging tightly. Sirius is taken a little by surprise at Remus' apparent neediness, and feels the rumble of Remus' words against his shoulder.
"'The bad man', 'Mummy', and 'green' was about all I got out of him."
"Fuck," Sirius whispers, glancing over Remus' shoulder at the door, his arms coming up instinctively and resting loosely around Remus' waist.
"Pretty much," Remus agrees weakly, his voice unsteady. "Padfoot - "
"He can't remember!" Sirius snaps suddenly, ignoring Remus' 'shh' of protest. "Dumbledore said he wouldn't remember."
"I suppose even Dumbledore doesn't know everything," Remus sighs.
"God. God. Mummy and the bad man?"
"Right," Remus affirms, swallowing with effort.
“Let’s go downstairs and have a drink, yeah?” Sirius suggests. Remus nods and casts a few spells on his bed so that Harry can’t roll out before following Sirius down the stairs.
In the kitchen, Sirius pours a couple of Firewhiskeys and pushes one over to Remus who drinks it down quickly.
“This is going to sound hugely stupid,” Remus says, “But raising a kid is hard.”
“I know, right!” Sirius jokes. “Who’d have thought it.”
Remus grins but looks a little shaky, and Sirius sits down at the table next to Remus and nudges his arm.
“It’ll be alright you know?”
“I know,” Remus nods. “He probably won’t even remember in the morning.”
“You okay?” Sirius asks and Remus nods, turning to look at him strangely.
“Yeah. Sirius, this is – ”
"Remus - " Sirius is sure he wasn't this nervous the first time this happened, and it seems to take years to close the gap between them, but when he manages it everything is so familiar - the feel and the shape and the taste - that it overwhelms him and for a moment it seems that everything will be fine, because Remus' lips are moving tentatively against his own and it's been so long, too long -
"I can't."
Sirius feels Remus' lips shaping the words against his own, but he's desperate not to believe them, not to have heard them or felt them.
"Please," he breathes, and he knows he must sound pathetic but can't bring himself to care. Remus edges away a little.
"I can't," he says again, but this time it sounds as though the words have been wrenched from him, as though maybe he does want to, and it really is about can't, not won't.
Sirius makes himself sit back and take a couple of breaths before he says anything.
"Can - Can I ask why?"
Remus puffs his cheeks out and lets out his breath in a long steady stream, a sure sign that he's trying to find words vague enough to be safe.
"I have too much to loose now," Remus says, betraying himself with a tiny glance towards the baby monitor.
Sirius swings between understanding and resentment for a few moments before he says, "You know that I would never - He adores you, Remus."
"We - we can do this, together," Remus says, and Sirius feels a wild flutter of hope before he goes on, "We can bring Harry up, and we can give him a good life but - "
"Don't."
"Shh," Remus says gently. "We owe him complete stability and we can't give him that if we're involved."
"Yes we can," Sirius protests.
"No we can't," Remus says, looking almost amused and reaching over to jostle Sirius' arm. "Sirius, we argued too much and we - "
"I fucked up," Sirius breaks in. "I know I did, Remus, but it was once, and I'm sorry, and I'll never - "
"That's not what I mean."
"Then explain," Sirius says, exasperated. "Please."
"I don't think I can. I just... It wasn’t just that, was it? I shouldn’t have been so cruel to you, you were just looking for a way out of something that was dying on its arse anyway.”
“Only ‘cause of the war,” Sirius says stubbornly.
Remus snorts and shakes his head affectionately, reaching out to pat Sirius’ hand.
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“Right, so,” Sirius says hopefully, beyond caring about sounding desperate, “In the interests of maybe not, we could – stop looking at me like I’ve turned into a girl – we could try again.”
“I think – ” Remus bites his lip and looks away and even though Sirius knows Remus will manage to find words that don’t hurt too much, the answer will be no. “I think you only get something like that once. Times change, Padfoot and so’ve we.”
Sirius wants to argue, even though it sounds like Remus’ mind is well and truly made up, but they start to hear Harry sniffling over the monitor and Remus seizes the chance to leave. He does run his fingers across the back of Sirius’ neck as he goes and Sirius sits for a few moments, staring into the distance.
six weeks later...
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Date: 2008-08-01 09:34 am (UTC)(You update incredibly fast -- <3333)
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Date: 2008-08-01 11:18 am (UTC)And yeah, I'm normally slow as hell, but I had them all written, I think that got me a bit overexcited.
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Date: 2008-08-01 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-01 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-02 05:44 pm (UTC)You make such nice emotional progress with this. It feels very real.
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Date: 2008-08-02 06:27 pm (UTC)