FIC: Trust (4/?)
Sep. 21st, 2006 09:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leashy_bebesTitle: Trust (4/?)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: I guess they're technically underage but as they're not having sex, does that matter? Anyway, if even half of what my foster brother told me about boarding school is true, this is tame. Tame.
Notes: I haven't actually read the books in a while and it's possible I've screwed up the timing a little. If that is so we'll call it an AU ;) No beta, so all mistakes are entirely my own.
ALSO. I'm moving back to uni at the weekend and as well as the whole final year omg work! aspect, I don't have a net connection in my horrilbe little dive of a flat. I'll keep writing and when I get a chance, post multiple updates. Sorry in advance for delays, and please don't give up on me entirely :D
Disclaimer: Absolutely, totally not mine, and I'm not trying to say they are. Just for giggles.
In the library, Sirius has laid claim to a large table tucked away at the end of a narrow aisle between two towering rows of shelves. He doesn’t think he’s ever spent this much time in the library. He feels like he knows the myriad of dusty rooms and hidden nooks better than he knew his own mother’s house.
The enforced calm and silence of the library are like a balm. As long as he keeps his mind focused on the books in front of him, he can avoid thinking about anything except the task ahead of him. Earlier, his wand had given a brief shiver, its tip glowing green for a moment. Sirius had stared at it for a long tense moment but the red glow that would flare if Remus destroyed the letter had not appeared. After painful moments of indecisiveness, Sirius had resolutely returned to his books.
He wishes now that he’d expressed a real interest in Transfiguration before now. Maybe he’d have been able to ask one of the professors. As it is, all he has to go on are standard library texts. Naturally, he supplements these with furtive trips to the restricted section, and a couple of books he’d pilfered from his family library, the night before bidding farewell once and for all to the noble and most ancient house of Black.
They’ve been working on this, him and James, since the holiday between second and third years. If Sirius is honest with himself, he’s not used to trying so hard at something and actually failing. He knows he’s intelligent, and he certainly has a flair for charms and jinxes. He’s beginning to see his lack of success as something of a personal affront. He glares at his books and stabs at his parchment with unnecessary savagery. What start as reasonably academic sentences all too often end up useless. Sirius’ eye takes in one line which reads, ’Incantation in itself not difficult WHICH EXPLAINS WHY IT NEVER WORKS OBVIOUSLY’ He can’t help but crack a smile at that, but a few seconds later he pushes the parchment away with a petulant sigh.
Glaring at the pile of books, he reaches for the oldest, thickest one there, resisting the urge to poke his tongue out at the Black family crest stamped into its cracked leather surface. Instead, he opens the book at its first page, staring for what feels like the millionth time at its list of contents.
Stupid book, he seethes. Must have read every word of this a...
And just like that, his thought crashes to a halt, his eyes riveted on the very top of the page, his heart quickening. He’s seen it before of course, the neat line of runes, faded by time into mere ghost-markings. Almost afraid they'll disappear before his eyes, Sirius copies them down meticulously, checking and rechecking that he has the angular figures correct.
When he's satisfied that he's got it right, he sets his quill down. For all he knows, the runes read, 'This is a spectacularly unhelpful book', but he feels like it's more than that. As soon as his eyes snagged on the dust coloured writing, a bolt of excitement had shot through him. He's almost sure the runic inscription is the answer, or at least a hefty clue. He leans back in his chair and basks in the warm excitement for a few moments.
He tries not to acknowledge the fact that of the people he knows who study Ancient Runes, he only considers Remus trustworthy enough to translate the brief passage. To avoid the knowledge, he considers taking it to a professor. He dismisses that quickly though. If it comes from the Black family's personal library, there's no telling what the translation might be.
***
Remus spends most of that Saturday in the common room. He is privately amazed at how much studying he manages to accomplish, considering how he's feeling. He's more angry than he ever remembers being, but he's also terribly sad. And the whole 'you know what', to use Sirius' phrase, is now just another layer of sadness as far as Remus is concerned.
Sirius is intriguing and beguiling and impossible to figure out, but holding him like that, kissing him like that, had left no question unanswered. It had been something so completely free of awkwardness and nerves, after the first taste at least, and now this. Remus doesn't even know how to explain this to himself. 'Betrayal' is such a strong, dramatic word, but it's the one Lily chooses, or close enough.
She is the one interruption to their studying. She descends on Remus with a warm hug and a concerned look in her eye. She whispers 'I can't believe he betrayed you like this,' into his ear and Remus is forced to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths before he squeezes Lily around the waist and shrugs. She joins them at their table, and Remus can't help but smile at Lily's somewhat softened attitude towards James. When she reaches across the table and forces James' arm down before he can mess with his hair again, Remus laughs. Lily looks amused, and James looks like he's about to start hyperventilating that the goddess that is Lily Evans has finally touched him in a friendly manner.
"Lunch?" James manages, sounding slightly strangled. "I mean...should we get some? It must be noon by now."
"I'm fine," Remus declines, turning a page in his book and smirking at the words printed there. He doesn't need to look up to see James' inevitable grateful smile.
"I'm starved," Lily says to James. "Are you sure, Remus?"
"I'm sure. I had rather a lot of toast this morning." At her quizzical look, Remus smiles. "James can tell you about it, I'm sure."
They leave, James looking like he can't believe his luck, and Lily looking caught between amused and embarrassed when James holds the portrait-door open for her.
A couple of hours later, Lily and James have yet to return, and Remus is tired of studying. He drops his books and parchment off in the dorm before changing his robes for trousers and a jumper. On impulse, he picks up a muggle book James had lent to him a while ago called 'Lord of the Flies'. The weather outside Gryffindor tower doesn't seem too bad, and Remus heads out of the dorm, his book tucked under his arm.
***
Sirius sighs and twirls a galleon on the desk. He doubts he can do anything particularly useful until he gets a translation of those runes. He's wondered a few times whether he's getting too hung up on what might be just the 12th century equivalent of 'I would like to dedicate this book to my loving family'. Most of the time though, he's too sure, too certain to wonder.
This will be it.
Partly from a burning curiosity that he is unwilling to examine too closely, and partly just to remind himself that they’ve accomplished one ‘impossible’ feat already, Sirius pulls out the map. He shifts the books so that if anyone comes into this aisle – he doubts they will, it’s been deserted all morning, but you never know – he’ll be able to hide the map and wipe it clean without anyone seeing.
For a little while, he just looks, feeling a familiar wave of comfortable pride on seeing the spidery lines and moving, labelled dots. He remembers the triumph of completing the map, James pummelling him in excitement, Peter fairly bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Remus smiling hugely, his fingertips trailing over the map.
Even that usually joyous memory is tinged with sadness as Sirius wonders if Remus will ever smile like that in his presence again.
Unable to avoid it any longer, he looks at the diagram of Gryffindor common room. And there he is.
An immobile black dot labelled Remus Lupin.
I'm sorry, Sirius thinks fiercely. As though in response to his thought, the Remus-dot moves. Sirius tracks its progress from common room to dorm and back again, with feverish intensity. The dot leaves the common room and starts wandering through the corridors.
Sirius still can't believe what he's done. Honestly, genuinely, shit, was that me?, can't believe it. He hadn't thought he'd had it in him to do something so stupid. And something, from Remus' point of view at least, so cruel. That's the real problem, Sirius knows. If he had sat down and thought, 'How could I really hurt Remus?', this would have been exactly what he'd have come up with. In one swoop, he had revealed Remus' secret to a person who hated him, and had brought Remus to the very edge of that which he most feared - waking confused with innocent blood still sharp in his mouth. There's no way that Remus will believe that it was simple stupidity, rather than well thought out malice. As Sirius watches the dot move, he wonders whether it matters. Why should Remus ponder the causes of Sirius' actions? The end result is still unforgivable, so what does it matter?
His heart pounds as he realises Remus is taking a roundabout path towards the library. He watches, his lower lip unconsciously caught between his teeth, unsure whether he is hoping for or dreading the idea of Remus walking into the library. As he stares though, the dot stops abruptly and turns away from the entrance to the library, heading back the way it had come. Pressing his lips together tightly, Sirius squeezes his own wrist hard enough to set off a flare of pain which holds back tears that are all too willing to fall these days.
He is on the verge of wiping the map clean and returning to his books when he sees another dot leaving the library and heading in the same direction as Remus. It is labelled Severus Snape, and when he compares Remus' wandering gait with Snape's brisk steps, he realises that Snape will overtake Remus somewhere around the statue of the one eyed witch.
Somewhere which is usually quiet, but especially so at weekends.
Somewhere in fact, that is mostly deserted.
With no real thought, Sirius stuffs the map into his bag, grabs the books which are his and dashes for the stairs.
***
Sirius is as quick as he can be, but he had been on the second floor of the library, and forced to walk sedately while in view of the library staff. Once in the corridors, he broke into a dead run, but still arrived at the statue to find Snape with his wand levelled at Remus' face.
"...be doing everyone a favour," he hears Snape snarl.
Remus has his back to the wall, and a book in his hand. In the split second between arriving and speaking, Sirius realises that not only has Remus not drawn his wand to defend himself, but he is doing his damndest to apologise.
"Get out of here," Sirius growls. Two sets of eyes snap towards him and Snape's wand hand wavers briefly, obviously unsure which of them to hate more. In that barest of moments, Sirius has his wand drawn.
"Don't you dare," Remus spits, glaring at Sirius.
"You're just as bad as him," Snape hisses at Sirius, his voice hard, his whole body tense.
Sirius' eyes flicker to Remus for a moment, meeting that angry stare.
"I'm a lot worse," he says softly. "Remus wouldn't have known what he was doing. Your argument is with me, Snivellus."
Snape flushes at the nickname and his jaw works as though he's on the verge of speech. Sirius draws breath for a hex, but before he can utter it, Remus' voice cuts through the tension.
"I'm sorry, Severus," he says humbly. Sirius feels a red roar of anger. Hasn't he just said it was his fault? "Genuinely sorry."
"Coming from a filthy animal, that doesn't mean much," Snape says, never taking his eyes off Sirius.
"Don't push it," Sirius snarls.
"Will you shut up!" Remus explodes. "Just shut up, Sirius." He takes a few deep breaths and slides his eyes from Sirius as though it hurts to look at him. "I'm going now," he says in a clipped voice. "You are not going to do anything to Severus." His tone brooks no argument from Sirius, who reluctantly lowers his wand.
"I don't need your protection, werewolf," Snape says viciously.
"Fine," Remus sighs, sounding unbearably sad. "Fine."
And he walks away.
Sirius waits until Remus rounds a corner and crosses to Snape in two swift strides.
"Stay away from him," he hisses.
Shouldering past Snape, he hurries after Remus.
***
"Wait!"
In spite of his calls, Sirius doesn't manage to catch up to Remus until they're near the main doors. Finally, Remus whirls in exasperation and rounds on Sirius.
"What?" He demands. "What?"
"I..." is all Sirius manages before Remus cuts in.
"Do you have any idea how hypocritical you were just then?"
"Huh?"
"Good old Sirius, here he comes on his white horse, saving poor defenceless Remus from the very person you set me up to kill two nights ago." Remus' fury is obviously building by the second, but he still has the presence of mind to hiss those last words in a voice only Sirius can hear. Sirius feels an incongruous wave of sadness that Remus is so good at being reserved and thoughtful. "You have no idea what it does to me to look at him and know what could have happened," Remus says, his words slightly garbled around the growing lump in his throat.
Sirius looks contrite and crestfallen, and there are dark smudges under his eyes that Remus is more used to seeing on himself when he looks in the mirror than on Sirius' cultured, classically handsome face. He can't stop himself though, words spilling out faster than he can think them.
"I thought - after everything - after that night! - I thought you cared..."
"I do care," Sirius insists desperately.
"Don't say that!" Remus snaps. "If you honestly think you can care about someone and do something like that to them then I don't want you to care about me. I really thought... How could I have been so stupid?"
"No, Remus, please..." Sirius is finding it hard to swallow now, hard to breathe even, something in his throat tightening and constricting.
"Please nothing," Remus spits. "You're a fucking idiot, just stay away from me."
And then he is gone, striding out into the courtyard, his back poker straight, his fists clenched. Sirius has time to think but Remus never swears before a wave of nausea hits him and he scurries towards the nearest bathrooms.
>>chapter 5
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: I guess they're technically underage but as they're not having sex, does that matter? Anyway, if even half of what my foster brother told me about boarding school is true, this is tame. Tame.
Notes: I haven't actually read the books in a while and it's possible I've screwed up the timing a little. If that is so we'll call it an AU ;) No beta, so all mistakes are entirely my own.
ALSO. I'm moving back to uni at the weekend and as well as the whole final year omg work! aspect, I don't have a net connection in my horrilbe little dive of a flat. I'll keep writing and when I get a chance, post multiple updates. Sorry in advance for delays, and please don't give up on me entirely :D
Disclaimer: Absolutely, totally not mine, and I'm not trying to say they are. Just for giggles.
In the library, Sirius has laid claim to a large table tucked away at the end of a narrow aisle between two towering rows of shelves. He doesn’t think he’s ever spent this much time in the library. He feels like he knows the myriad of dusty rooms and hidden nooks better than he knew his own mother’s house.
The enforced calm and silence of the library are like a balm. As long as he keeps his mind focused on the books in front of him, he can avoid thinking about anything except the task ahead of him. Earlier, his wand had given a brief shiver, its tip glowing green for a moment. Sirius had stared at it for a long tense moment but the red glow that would flare if Remus destroyed the letter had not appeared. After painful moments of indecisiveness, Sirius had resolutely returned to his books.
He wishes now that he’d expressed a real interest in Transfiguration before now. Maybe he’d have been able to ask one of the professors. As it is, all he has to go on are standard library texts. Naturally, he supplements these with furtive trips to the restricted section, and a couple of books he’d pilfered from his family library, the night before bidding farewell once and for all to the noble and most ancient house of Black.
They’ve been working on this, him and James, since the holiday between second and third years. If Sirius is honest with himself, he’s not used to trying so hard at something and actually failing. He knows he’s intelligent, and he certainly has a flair for charms and jinxes. He’s beginning to see his lack of success as something of a personal affront. He glares at his books and stabs at his parchment with unnecessary savagery. What start as reasonably academic sentences all too often end up useless. Sirius’ eye takes in one line which reads, ’Incantation in itself not difficult WHICH EXPLAINS WHY IT NEVER WORKS OBVIOUSLY’ He can’t help but crack a smile at that, but a few seconds later he pushes the parchment away with a petulant sigh.
Glaring at the pile of books, he reaches for the oldest, thickest one there, resisting the urge to poke his tongue out at the Black family crest stamped into its cracked leather surface. Instead, he opens the book at its first page, staring for what feels like the millionth time at its list of contents.
Stupid book, he seethes. Must have read every word of this a...
And just like that, his thought crashes to a halt, his eyes riveted on the very top of the page, his heart quickening. He’s seen it before of course, the neat line of runes, faded by time into mere ghost-markings. Almost afraid they'll disappear before his eyes, Sirius copies them down meticulously, checking and rechecking that he has the angular figures correct.
When he's satisfied that he's got it right, he sets his quill down. For all he knows, the runes read, 'This is a spectacularly unhelpful book', but he feels like it's more than that. As soon as his eyes snagged on the dust coloured writing, a bolt of excitement had shot through him. He's almost sure the runic inscription is the answer, or at least a hefty clue. He leans back in his chair and basks in the warm excitement for a few moments.
He tries not to acknowledge the fact that of the people he knows who study Ancient Runes, he only considers Remus trustworthy enough to translate the brief passage. To avoid the knowledge, he considers taking it to a professor. He dismisses that quickly though. If it comes from the Black family's personal library, there's no telling what the translation might be.
***
Remus spends most of that Saturday in the common room. He is privately amazed at how much studying he manages to accomplish, considering how he's feeling. He's more angry than he ever remembers being, but he's also terribly sad. And the whole 'you know what', to use Sirius' phrase, is now just another layer of sadness as far as Remus is concerned.
Sirius is intriguing and beguiling and impossible to figure out, but holding him like that, kissing him like that, had left no question unanswered. It had been something so completely free of awkwardness and nerves, after the first taste at least, and now this. Remus doesn't even know how to explain this to himself. 'Betrayal' is such a strong, dramatic word, but it's the one Lily chooses, or close enough.
She is the one interruption to their studying. She descends on Remus with a warm hug and a concerned look in her eye. She whispers 'I can't believe he betrayed you like this,' into his ear and Remus is forced to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths before he squeezes Lily around the waist and shrugs. She joins them at their table, and Remus can't help but smile at Lily's somewhat softened attitude towards James. When she reaches across the table and forces James' arm down before he can mess with his hair again, Remus laughs. Lily looks amused, and James looks like he's about to start hyperventilating that the goddess that is Lily Evans has finally touched him in a friendly manner.
"Lunch?" James manages, sounding slightly strangled. "I mean...should we get some? It must be noon by now."
"I'm fine," Remus declines, turning a page in his book and smirking at the words printed there. He doesn't need to look up to see James' inevitable grateful smile.
"I'm starved," Lily says to James. "Are you sure, Remus?"
"I'm sure. I had rather a lot of toast this morning." At her quizzical look, Remus smiles. "James can tell you about it, I'm sure."
They leave, James looking like he can't believe his luck, and Lily looking caught between amused and embarrassed when James holds the portrait-door open for her.
A couple of hours later, Lily and James have yet to return, and Remus is tired of studying. He drops his books and parchment off in the dorm before changing his robes for trousers and a jumper. On impulse, he picks up a muggle book James had lent to him a while ago called 'Lord of the Flies'. The weather outside Gryffindor tower doesn't seem too bad, and Remus heads out of the dorm, his book tucked under his arm.
***
Sirius sighs and twirls a galleon on the desk. He doubts he can do anything particularly useful until he gets a translation of those runes. He's wondered a few times whether he's getting too hung up on what might be just the 12th century equivalent of 'I would like to dedicate this book to my loving family'. Most of the time though, he's too sure, too certain to wonder.
This will be it.
Partly from a burning curiosity that he is unwilling to examine too closely, and partly just to remind himself that they’ve accomplished one ‘impossible’ feat already, Sirius pulls out the map. He shifts the books so that if anyone comes into this aisle – he doubts they will, it’s been deserted all morning, but you never know – he’ll be able to hide the map and wipe it clean without anyone seeing.
For a little while, he just looks, feeling a familiar wave of comfortable pride on seeing the spidery lines and moving, labelled dots. He remembers the triumph of completing the map, James pummelling him in excitement, Peter fairly bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Remus smiling hugely, his fingertips trailing over the map.
Even that usually joyous memory is tinged with sadness as Sirius wonders if Remus will ever smile like that in his presence again.
Unable to avoid it any longer, he looks at the diagram of Gryffindor common room. And there he is.
An immobile black dot labelled Remus Lupin.
I'm sorry, Sirius thinks fiercely. As though in response to his thought, the Remus-dot moves. Sirius tracks its progress from common room to dorm and back again, with feverish intensity. The dot leaves the common room and starts wandering through the corridors.
Sirius still can't believe what he's done. Honestly, genuinely, shit, was that me?, can't believe it. He hadn't thought he'd had it in him to do something so stupid. And something, from Remus' point of view at least, so cruel. That's the real problem, Sirius knows. If he had sat down and thought, 'How could I really hurt Remus?', this would have been exactly what he'd have come up with. In one swoop, he had revealed Remus' secret to a person who hated him, and had brought Remus to the very edge of that which he most feared - waking confused with innocent blood still sharp in his mouth. There's no way that Remus will believe that it was simple stupidity, rather than well thought out malice. As Sirius watches the dot move, he wonders whether it matters. Why should Remus ponder the causes of Sirius' actions? The end result is still unforgivable, so what does it matter?
His heart pounds as he realises Remus is taking a roundabout path towards the library. He watches, his lower lip unconsciously caught between his teeth, unsure whether he is hoping for or dreading the idea of Remus walking into the library. As he stares though, the dot stops abruptly and turns away from the entrance to the library, heading back the way it had come. Pressing his lips together tightly, Sirius squeezes his own wrist hard enough to set off a flare of pain which holds back tears that are all too willing to fall these days.
He is on the verge of wiping the map clean and returning to his books when he sees another dot leaving the library and heading in the same direction as Remus. It is labelled Severus Snape, and when he compares Remus' wandering gait with Snape's brisk steps, he realises that Snape will overtake Remus somewhere around the statue of the one eyed witch.
Somewhere which is usually quiet, but especially so at weekends.
Somewhere in fact, that is mostly deserted.
With no real thought, Sirius stuffs the map into his bag, grabs the books which are his and dashes for the stairs.
***
Sirius is as quick as he can be, but he had been on the second floor of the library, and forced to walk sedately while in view of the library staff. Once in the corridors, he broke into a dead run, but still arrived at the statue to find Snape with his wand levelled at Remus' face.
"...be doing everyone a favour," he hears Snape snarl.
Remus has his back to the wall, and a book in his hand. In the split second between arriving and speaking, Sirius realises that not only has Remus not drawn his wand to defend himself, but he is doing his damndest to apologise.
"Get out of here," Sirius growls. Two sets of eyes snap towards him and Snape's wand hand wavers briefly, obviously unsure which of them to hate more. In that barest of moments, Sirius has his wand drawn.
"Don't you dare," Remus spits, glaring at Sirius.
"You're just as bad as him," Snape hisses at Sirius, his voice hard, his whole body tense.
Sirius' eyes flicker to Remus for a moment, meeting that angry stare.
"I'm a lot worse," he says softly. "Remus wouldn't have known what he was doing. Your argument is with me, Snivellus."
Snape flushes at the nickname and his jaw works as though he's on the verge of speech. Sirius draws breath for a hex, but before he can utter it, Remus' voice cuts through the tension.
"I'm sorry, Severus," he says humbly. Sirius feels a red roar of anger. Hasn't he just said it was his fault? "Genuinely sorry."
"Coming from a filthy animal, that doesn't mean much," Snape says, never taking his eyes off Sirius.
"Don't push it," Sirius snarls.
"Will you shut up!" Remus explodes. "Just shut up, Sirius." He takes a few deep breaths and slides his eyes from Sirius as though it hurts to look at him. "I'm going now," he says in a clipped voice. "You are not going to do anything to Severus." His tone brooks no argument from Sirius, who reluctantly lowers his wand.
"I don't need your protection, werewolf," Snape says viciously.
"Fine," Remus sighs, sounding unbearably sad. "Fine."
And he walks away.
Sirius waits until Remus rounds a corner and crosses to Snape in two swift strides.
"Stay away from him," he hisses.
Shouldering past Snape, he hurries after Remus.
***
"Wait!"
In spite of his calls, Sirius doesn't manage to catch up to Remus until they're near the main doors. Finally, Remus whirls in exasperation and rounds on Sirius.
"What?" He demands. "What?"
"I..." is all Sirius manages before Remus cuts in.
"Do you have any idea how hypocritical you were just then?"
"Huh?"
"Good old Sirius, here he comes on his white horse, saving poor defenceless Remus from the very person you set me up to kill two nights ago." Remus' fury is obviously building by the second, but he still has the presence of mind to hiss those last words in a voice only Sirius can hear. Sirius feels an incongruous wave of sadness that Remus is so good at being reserved and thoughtful. "You have no idea what it does to me to look at him and know what could have happened," Remus says, his words slightly garbled around the growing lump in his throat.
Sirius looks contrite and crestfallen, and there are dark smudges under his eyes that Remus is more used to seeing on himself when he looks in the mirror than on Sirius' cultured, classically handsome face. He can't stop himself though, words spilling out faster than he can think them.
"I thought - after everything - after that night! - I thought you cared..."
"I do care," Sirius insists desperately.
"Don't say that!" Remus snaps. "If you honestly think you can care about someone and do something like that to them then I don't want you to care about me. I really thought... How could I have been so stupid?"
"No, Remus, please..." Sirius is finding it hard to swallow now, hard to breathe even, something in his throat tightening and constricting.
"Please nothing," Remus spits. "You're a fucking idiot, just stay away from me."
And then he is gone, striding out into the courtyard, his back poker straight, his fists clenched. Sirius has time to think but Remus never swears before a wave of nausea hits him and he scurries towards the nearest bathrooms.
>>chapter 5
